10 Facts About The Church of Satan

10 Facts About The Church of Satan
The book contains a number of pumpkin designs. Each design gets 4 pages. One full page photo. One page that has a "What you'll need section", one and one half pages of instructions and one sidebar. Everything is fairly straightforward except for the sidebar. I liked the sidebar because I could create something silly. Here is my favorite one that did not make the cut.

The pumpkin was the Satan pumpkin so for the sidebar I wrote "Ten Facts I Made-Up About The Church of Satan".

Here are ten things about the Church of Satan that I just made up. In fact, I donít even know if there is a Church of Satan. There may be one, I donít actually know. Here is my list.

1. Instead of a wafer or bread as a eucharist, they give out chocolate chip cookes at the church of satan.
2. Unfortunately, they donít have milk instead of wine. That would work well, but they actually still use wine. They just use really cheap wine.
3. Instead of serving the wine in a chalice, they serve it up in a funnel.
4. They donít have pews at the Church of Satan, they have a bunch of used bean-bag chairs that smell kind-of musty.
5. Mass only lasts a coupla minutes at the Church of Satan.
6. You would think that the high priest at the Church of Satan would wear all black, but one time at mass, I saw pastor Ralphís underwear waistband and I swear those were white fruit of the looms.
7. Instead of collecting money at the Church of Satan, everyone takes a turn either robbing a liquor store or mugging an old lady.
8. I actually wrote a chapter in the Satanic Bible. I am not a Satanist. I lied in the interview to get the job. Then I wrote a bunch of gibberish. I figure, ďHa, Iím going to heaven for this one. No one since The Charlie Danielís Band has beaten the devil this badlyĒ.
9. Unfortunately, I spent the $740.00 I earned writing that chapter on cheap whiskey and instant lotto tickets.
10. After eating a human soul most satanic priests will tell you that it tastes like chicken.
11. The Church of Satan is headquartered in Nigeria. The highest church of Satan in the US is in New Orleans, but not in the nice area. It is located in the basement of a tortilla factory. I guess the rent is cheap.


My editor thought that it was cool but weird. It didn't make the cut. I didn't fight because some pretty weird stuff did make the cut.