10 Scary Things About Kids
Having kids is fun, but it aint funny. In fact, if being a parent doesn’t strip your sense of humor from you, you have just plain gone crazy. I know that I lost my marbles after only 3 years and 3 kids. Here are the 10 things that have pushed me over the edge.
1. Babies pee on you. I know that I should have known this already, but I must have missed that part of high school health class. Fortunately, I am quick on my feet and have only been nailed 3 times.
2. Every parent gets puked upon during an airplane flight. You see, there is no less convenient place to be puked upon than an airplane, so that is where you get it.
3. Death awaits children at every turn and only you can save them. It is amazing that kids survive. Fortunately, the tattered nerves of their parents are hyper sensitive to danger.
4. Kids sleep a lot. This seems like a great thing, but your damaged psyche will cause you to examine them every once in a while just to see if they are still breathing. Every parent does it.
5. No one can possibly baby sit well enough to make a night out as enjoyable as it used to be. They just can’t.
6. Kids don’t sleep late on the weekends. 7:30 is a late morning. So that night out is even less enjoyable. It is no wonder some parents become shut-ins.
7. Kids love you so much. They want to be with you all the time. They want to learn everything you are doing. They want you to show them. They ask questions about every step of the process. They get really close to see exactly what is happening....when you are pooping.
8. Before your child’s teeth come in, they will enjoy chewing your finger to ease the pain of teething. After their teeth come in, they will try to masticate your digits into bloody stumps.
9. Children’s entertainment is at once both mindless and catchy. Your love of music will take a back seat to songs that are supposed to teach you something you already know. You’ll know you’re crazy when you have driven 20 miles alone in the car and you haven’t turned off “baby boogie”.
10. Kids bother you all of the time. They are more persistent than even the voices in your head.