10 Things You Can't Show a Baby Pumpkin Doing

Here is another piece that was removed from my book. It was supposed to accompany a baby pumpkin with a dirty diaper (full of pumpkin seeds). The sidebar was called 10 Scary Things That Babies Shouldn't Do.

You can make a fun and scary pumpkin carving by showing an infant pumpkin doing things he shouldn't. This should disturb the parents in your neighborhood. I know these ideas creep me out.

1. Playing with knives: Babies love to grab new things and then wave them around. Seeing your child with a knife would be very scary.
2. An electric socket: Perhaps a baby pumpkin that has a fork and an electric socket would be a funny scene. Actually, it would be a scary scene.
3. On the edge of a swimming pool. Babies don�t have good balance and swimming pools are more dangerous to have at home than a loaded handgun. Yikes.
4. A handgun: A baby with a handgun is both scary and funny. It probably isn't thought provoking enough to be social commentary, just a dumb sort of display.
5. Poison: Parents are really scared about their kids with poisons, so why not show it. That'll creep them out.
6. Booze and Cigarettes: Booze and Cigarettes are like poison, but with more stupid added in. Lately, stupid seems to be just about equal to funny plus scary.
7. Matches: I think as a child I must have had some matches at one point. I sure do like a good fire.
8. Pills: Although I think a baby with pills looks scary, I long-ago learned my lessons about leaving my prescription drugs out on the porch. Now, I use skittles in a pill bottle. Unfortunately, they do little to quiet the voices in my head.
9. Rope or String: My imagination has me believe that my infant children can actually tie a noose and hang themselves from the venetian blinds.
10. Scalded by a pot of hot liquid: Leave one handle sticking out in the kitchen and your child could end up looking like the villain in a batman movie. Ouch.